Restlessness

The past few days I've felt a restlessness in my heart. When I was doing some kind of chore or work it was not as strong, yet I was still longing to be doing something else. What I thought I was longing for was time to take a break, relax, watch a movie, read a book or do a puzzle. But when I got the chance to do these things, I still felt very restless and bored and unfulfilled and dissatisfied.

It reminded me of Ecclesiastes - that everything is meaningless. Then this morning I sat down with my Bible and journal to spend some time with God. I looked back at my last journal entry about week ago. I was meditating on Psalm 42. "As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go meet with God?"

When I am struggling I tend to turn to other people for help or try to escape thru books and movies. So I asked God to cause my heart to long for him - not these idols and distractions in my life.

As I sat with God I felt foolish. It didn't occur to me that my heart was longing for him, even though that was exactly what I had asked him for. Well okay it had crossed my mind a couple of times that maybe I could use my time to sit with God, but I quickly dismissed it for something I thought would be more 'entertaining'.

I wonder what God thought as he was watching me last week. Was he trying to get my attention? Was he angry with me or disappointed? One thing that struck me as I was sitting with God this morning. He was gentle and patient with me. He answered my prayer - and quickly too. He cares enough to show me where I am blind, foolish and full of sin.

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore, stand in awe of God." (Ecc 5:7)